Before I started meditating there was hardly any guarantee how I would react to people and situations.  Or I should admit that there was a guarantee, that I would most likely react in the wrong way.  Fear, selfishness, envy, jealousy, anger, irritation, greed, self-pity….there was no controlling these from emerging at the drop of a hat, i.e. with every interaction or observation.  The same went for my premeditated actions.  They were usually guided by my baser instincts.

What mediation is doing for me is allowing me to pause, examine and decide my reactions and actions before they emerge from me.  In some instances I am now able to change what I allow out.  Sometimes I am even able to synchronise what emerges with what I really feel.  At any rate, I am satisfied even in cases without this synchronization that I have still left happier people around me and less regret within me.

I know this may feel unnatural, mechanical, boring, controlled and dry.  It may seem like I am eliminating all spontaneity and spirit from my personality.  But two facts support my belief in this path.  The first is that I invariably experience peace and happiness after the event and very rarely regret the positive expression.  The second is that I have faith that ultimately my feeling, thought and expression will become the same in most cases.  That will be a blessed advance for this incompletely evolved creature and something worthwhile to offer the world.

Especially for this I am very lucky to have discovered meditation, even if later in life than ideal.